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Note: Foster has an Instagram account dedicated to his daughter Ellison, acting as a diary documenting her early life and growth. Visit it at https://www.instagram.com/dearellisonlouise/
Transcript
[Start Interview]
Vann: I’m just gonna jump right in! So please introduce yourself! What is your name, how would you describe yourself and the various identities you may hold?
Foster: My name is Foster and I identify as a trans man and I am gay. I’m mostly married to a nonbinary/male-presenting person. I think that’s— does that answer everything in your question?
Vann: Yeah! And because this is a project on pregnancy and parenthood; how many children do you currently have?
Foster: One.
Vann: So just going right into your experience— did you ever experience any difficulties with insurance and coverage when seeking care related to your pregnancy?
Foster: Yes. Insurance was just— I was on Medicaid, which is incredible. It’s incredible coverage. But you have to apply— and I’m in Texas, I don’t know if that changes, or what— but for Texas anyway, you have to apply as a pregnant woman and it’s very gendered language and stuff. So it’s just— that’s worth it, [laughs] like, I need the coverage. But otherwise it’s fine— I mean, I get things in the mail periodically that are like, “It’s time for your woman check up,” you know, just super unnecessary gendered stuff where it’s like, “Ugh.” I just don’t think anyone’s really thought about it yet. So, whatever. That’s all. It wasn’t prohibitive— but it was exclusive language. And then the big thing for me that was a very concrete problem was actually to do with the company I was working for at the time. They have a third party that manages all our benefits, and that third party— I had called multiple times during my pregnancy and said, “I’m just checking about my ‘maternity’ leave, and making sure that’s all okay and making sure I do it properly so that I don’t mess anything up.” Because I really disliked the job, and it would be awful to do something that jeopardized my parental leave pay, after I’m sticking it through with this just to make it through— and it’s not even good! It’s only, like, six weeks at sixty percent, which is not awesome. So everything was good, and they explained to me exactly how to do that, and then I got my pay. I went on parental leave, and then I got notice saying, “Hey— if you don’t respond by this date,”—that already passed— “we’re gonna take you to collections because we overpaid you thousands of dollars that you owe us back.” And I was like, “That sounds probably exactly the amount that I got paid in parental leave. What’s up with that?” So I called and they were like, “Well it says here that you’re a man, so we denied the whole claim.” And I’m like, “I’ve talked to you guys so much about this! And you have all the insurance stuff. You can see that—” you know? It was just mind blowing to me. So I’d already been taken to collections and it was a ding on my credit score, and it was— and also dealing with this company is not fun. It’s a lot of waiting on hold and stuff. So, that was just a small nightmare, especially being postpartum and being like— I don’t have any bandwidth for anything. I’m sleeping like, two hours a day. My body just went through a traumatic thing. And on top of that, the kid ended up having a ton of medical stuff and was in the NICU. And it was COVID— it was the beginning of COVID. It’s just, like, this is the last thing I need— a credit score ding when I don’t know where I’m working now, and having to deal with the threat of having my terrible parental pay taken away from me. So that was the big one, that was like, “Are you kidding me?” Yeah [laughs].
And then there was stuff with having my daughter in the NICU. I get that they can’t learn everybody’s names, so they abbreviate by saying mom and dad. And right after pregnancy, I did not look like a man. I was not cis passing. And so it was very much gendered. And then like, maybe a week in— a week or two into her stay at the NICU, one nurse kind of picked up on it and was like, “What are your pronouns?” I was like, “Hey! Thank you!” So we’re still friends, but yeah. It was just a lot of that. And because it was COVID, my partner wasn’t allowed in. And when we tried to fight that— ’cause we were like, “We’re obviously the same bubble. So I don’t see why we couldn’t at least trade places. Like, couldn’t he have a day and then I have a day or something?” But they said “No, one parent forever.” I’m like, “I could go work a shift at a grocery store and come back, but we can’t trade places?” Like, this makes no sense. You’re just depriving a new parent of access to his child, and it’s cruel. And they said that they were doing it on purpose, they wanted to be the strictest hospital because it was a very good pediatric hospital. And they wanted to have this even arbitrary level of strictness so that they could say that they were being so careful. And I appreciate that, until it’s unreasonable and doesn’t make sense. So that was a lot. But they said— when I pushed them about it— the charge nurse said, “Well, we actually—” they wanted to take away all parental visitation rights.
Vann: [Makes a face]
Foster: I know! “But we argued that mothers should be allowed in, because breast milk is medicine.” So we said, “You’re medicine providers. So if I don’t want to feed, am I still allowed in?” And if I can’t— ’cause I really couldn’t, ’cause I’d already had top surgery— I could produce like a drop a day [laughs] or something. It was just so scary and there was such a veiled threat there, you know? Where I was like, “What does that mean? Am I not allowed in if I can’t chestfeed?” It was just so much of that kind of— not right in your face right away, but when you dig into it, and you’re like, “These are major barriers.” [Laughs]
Vann: So, just stepping back a little bit. So you said that when you signed up for Medicaid in the first place, you used ‘Female’ as your gender marker?
Foster: I did for my Medicaid insurance, because it was all— there’s a specific way to apply with specific income requirements and everything. And it’s a different application process, and it’s a different coverage if you’re pregnant. And it’s a lot easier to get on if you’re pregnant. But it’s all for pregnant women. So, I don’t know what would happen if I had already legally changed my gender marker, I don’t know if that would have been an issue or not. But I still haven’t, because it’s really hard to do in Texas.
Vann: So you haven’t done name or sex marker change—
Foster: I’ve done name a while ago, but not my sex marker change. It’s just harder to change. You have to get fingerprinted and do a court order and stuff— which, I had to do a court order for my name, too, but I was not up to the task. Anyway, it’s a whole process. You have to get a lawyer, I think. I don’t know. My friend said she would help me get a lawyer for it. I don’t know! I just don’t want to deal with this! It sounds like a nightmare. [Laughs]
Vann: So going into your pregnancy experience, you said that you gave birth in a hospital, then—
Foster: I didn’t! Last minute, we gave birth at home because it was the very beginning of COVID. It was April of 2020. Our OB had already just relocated in February, so we lost her. So it was like, we don’t even know our OB, and now this hospital is saying, “We’re not sure if your partner will be able to be there for the labor, and we also don’t know if you’ll have to wear a mask the whole time.” Which— anyone who gave birth with a mask is a damn hero. I cannot— [deep breath]. And they said it was gonna be, like, the COVID hospital if they started getting cases in the area, which we hadn’t yet, but they were like, “Any second now it can happen. So we don’t know.” And it was like, I just don’t want to have to risk giving birth without my partner. So we hired a midwife at the eleventh hour and gave birth in my mother-in-law’s kitchen. So, yeah! [Laughs] Which made it— maybe it was better. I was worried about a whole hospital staff, and hoping no one would misgender me. The midwife did, but at least it was just one person.
Vann: So then you gave birth at home, and then there were complications, and so then that’s when you took your baby to the hospital at that point, correct?
Foster: Yeah. When she was four days old, she stopped breathing. And we had felt like there were things wrong, and we kept asking the midwife— and she came back for checkups— and she kept saying, “No this is normal. She’s learning how to breathe, she hasn’t breathed before.” I’m like, “Okay, I guess.” And I just wish she had been like, “You know, I’m not sure. You should see a doctor.” [Laughs] But she didn’t, she was like, “No, this is totally normal.” And we were like, “Okay.” It was not normal. So, looking back, there were a lot of issues. But her job was to be a birth coach at the last minute, and she was. She was a good birth coach [laughs]. She risked my baby’s life, but she’s a good birth coach! [Laughs]
[Interruption]
Vann: I did have a question about your experience after giving birth. Were you able to be marked as your child’s father on their birth certificate, or how did the birth certificate process go for you?
Foster: That’s another thing— as far as I can tell— that was also the midwife’s fault. She messed up the birth certificate. So, my partner’s not even on it, we have to go do an amendment, and it’s awful— we’ve started the process, but it’s taking forever. So he’s not even on it, and I’m listed as the mother. I didn’t want to risk doing anything that would cause bigger problems down the line. I would rather feel misgendered than have a questionable legal claim to my child. I don’t want to do anything that’s gonna shake the stability of our family. Like, as little as possible. That’s another thing that I’ve always felt with getting my sex marker changed on my license, is like, if there’s ever a question— I’m not getting bottom surgery ever, if I had to prove that it’s me, I could be like, “Look it!” [Laughs] But if I changed my gender marker to male, and there was ever a problem with that, I’d be like, [sigh] “You just gotta believe me.” I don’t know, there’s stuff there where I worry about security on a level beyond my mental health, even though it wears on me to not— you know? It’s just weighing risks and what makes me feel safest. But, yeah, so I’m listed as her mother. Which the only benefit to that was that it made getting her passport really easy. ‘Cause both parents would have to be present, and I was like, “I’m the only one listed here! Just do this!”
Vann: In the future, are you hoping to be listed as the father? Is that a goal that you think— with amendments, especially since you already have to add your partner. I mean—
Foster: Yeah, right? Yeah, I think it would be awesome! It’s also— and another thing is the fear of Texas and the way things are going. It’s nosedived so quickly, and we also just lost this election. I don’t know if this is an extreme thought or not— like, I’m not saying this is gonna happen, it could be like, “This was never even close to happening and that was really ridiculous that I thought that.” But I fell like we’ve taken such a quick nosedive that I truly wonder— ’cause families in Texas are being investigated for child abuse if they support their kid’s transition. Even if it’s just hormone blockers, which is— [Laughs] you’re just extending a child’s— what is the problem? But anyway. And it’s under medical advisement! You’re not a doctor, you’re a— anyway. I also am kinda worried, like, what if it ends up being an issue where they are like, “You’re not mentally fit because you’re crazy because you are trans.” Or something. I don’t know. I just don’t trust the state until we get out of it. I’m a little more— I would rather just have to be like, “Yeah, I’m a really butch woman” [laughs]. You know? Like, if that’s how I have to play this for a second to keep my kid, that’s how I’ll play it. I don’t know. Maybe that’s— like I said— maybe that’s really extreme. I’m just kind of kicking it down the road to when we can be in a better place.
Vann: No, it’s a very tumultuous time and I really don’t think that that’s an exaggeration. I feel like there is a lot of fear right now— especially in the trans community— regarding our rights and legislation. I understand why you’d be concerned about that. That’s a very hard decision to have to make and that’s just— speaking to other trans people about their experiences— it’s always the cost/benefit analysis of “Okay, well I have to do these things for my own safety, and I also have these desires of, ‘I wanna be my child’s father, because that’s who I am.'” And it’s always that navigation that’s just so hard. I can’t imagine having to go through what you’re going through right now.
Foster: Thanks! [Laughs]
Vann: So, back to questions. I was wondering how you were able to come out and tell the people in your life about your pregnancy. Did you tell everyone in your life and your family, in your partner’s family, or were there any people that you chose not to tell? And how did you navigate that process?
Foster: Oh, like, people being like, “I didn’t realize you were trans because now you’re pregnant,” or “That gave it away.” It wasn’t too bad because I’m not very stealth. One of the scary ones was— I got pregnant right after I started that job, so I didn’t really know my boss really. I didn’t know my coworkers really. So that felt like a real gamble, and my boss was a very Gen X, classic rock dude. And I’m like, “I don’t know. This could go either way, let’s see.” And everyone was amazing. His response was, “Oh! I did not see that coming!” [laughs] And after that, I never— even not referring to me, talking about like— one time, for some reason, pregnancy came up in conversation and he said ‘pregnant people.’ I didn’t even know if he thought about that, it was amazing! Like, okay, this guy’s great. So that was really positive. I think that the hardest part, aside from being in a job where I have to interact with the public. There was some confusion there with some people that I dealt with ongoing throughout the pregnancy where I had told one— I was working with this family and they said that they— I had to let them know that we were expecting a baby, and they were like, “Oh! Are you adopting?” ‘Cause they assumed I was a gay man. And I was like, “No!” and I could see on the faces, they were like, “There’s no way that he’s dating a woman!” Like, “There’s just no way!” Them being so confused, I wanted to be like, “The baby’s at the table with us right now!” But that was just funny, that wasn’t a problem.
Probably the hardest part was my partner’s family, because he had a very closed off relationship with them. It was very like “I talk about these things and none of the personal things in my life.” And he had never— since he had left the house after high school— never told them about any relationships. That was a thing he’d closed off from them, because he wasn’t sure how they would feel about his queerness, and it was a boundary for him. So, they didn’t know that I existed, let alone that he was definitely for sure queer, let alone that his partner was trans, and let alone that we were having a baby. So, he’d pushed it and pushed it, and I’d be like, “Babe, this is just getting worse the longer you wait,” and he was like, “I know!” [Laughs] So I was in the second trimester, I think— or maybe it was late first trimester— no, it was second trimester for sure, when he finally told them. And that was really scary. Then I had to meet them after that, fully showing. And I have never met anyone who was so scared of me. It was really a trip. I was terrified, and then his dad showed up for Thanksgiving and I was like, “This man is terrified. He’s so scared.” So that was a big thing to bridge. And I get it, I get how that’s so unknown. That’s a huge bomb to drop. But now we’re all good, we all have a good relationship, especially with his mom who lives close by. She is best friends with our daughter, and it’s really sweet. [Laughs] So, happy ending, but that was a rocky start. [Laughs]
Vann: And how did you tell your parents that you were pregnant? I’m assuming that they may have already known that you were trans before the pregnancy? Or, do you want to tell me about that?
Foster: Yeah! I transitioned kind of later, I think I was twenty-five when I started taking T. And I was thirty— right?— but I was thirty when I got pregnant. Yeah. So, yes that’s right [laughs]. They knew. It had taken them a while to come around, but they did a pretty good job, and I had talked to them about the progression. So they didn’t have this big bomb dropped, they were like, “We know you’re with someone. We know you guys want to have kids.” And then it was— I did a bunch of testing in the months prior to us even trying to see how everything was going with my system. Because they’re very like, “We don’t know what T does to your reproductive organs. Maybe you should spend hundreds of thousands of dollars freezing your eggs.” I’m like, “Yeah! No problem!” [Laughs] So I was kind of afraid that maybe I couldn’t, and I was on public health care, man! At the time I was in Mass for school, and I was on their public state program, the one that Obamacare is based on, and it rocked. And I was able to get incredible care and they did ultrasounds and blood testing and stuff, and they were like, “If you’re not pregnant after six months of trying, go and get your partner tested, ’cause it’s not you.” [Laughs] Which was really great to hear! So I’d gotten to do that, and I was already talking to them through all of that. I told them I was doing this testing, like the testing that I was doing. And I told them we wanted— you know, and that we kind of kept moving our timeline up because we were so excited. At first it was like, in three years. And then it was like, maybe we can do it before I go to grad school. And then it was like, well maybe we’ll start at the end of the year— of 2019. And then in July, we went to a family reunion and a wedding, and there were all these kids running around and then we were like, [sighs] “Lets just try, like, one time and see how it goes.” [Laughs] And that took— so, yeah. Sorry, that was a really long way of saying that yeah, my parents knew the steps throughout the way, and so they weren’t surprised. In fact, by the time I was like, “Hey, can you guys get on a Zoom call,” they were like, “Obviously you must have gotten a positive pregnancy test, ’cause otherwise you would have just called,” you know? [Laughs] They got on like, “So?” [laughs] “Do you have something to tell us?”
Vann: So thinking about the future, when your kid starts school eventually, how— they’re three now?
Foster: She’s two and a half, yeah.
Vann: Almost three. So when you’re thinking about down the line, when she starts school— or they start school— are you thinking about how you want to navigate coming out to the people in your child’s life. Like, how do you feel you want to handle telling teachers or other parents that your kids might be friends with about your identity and the nature or your child’s birth. Has that been a thought that you’ve considered yet?
Foster: Oh yeah. At first, my original thought was, “Maybe this can be one of our earliest discussions about boundaries and things that we don’t need to tell other people.” And then I was airing that thought process out with some people, and one of them pointed out that with children who are adopted, feeling like any part of it is having to keep it a secret makes them feel like there’s something wrong with it. And I was like, “That makes total sense.” And that made me feel like I would rather be uncomfortable in the short term, and have her feel positive about her family and her origins. That’s way more important. So I think we’re a little bit shielded, because due to all her medical stuff, she has a speech delay. It’s anatomical because she had to get surgeries around her mouth and jaw and stuff, so she is still physically learning her mouth and her ability to create sound. It’s all finally there, but it was late for her to get all of the pieces of the puzzle together so that she could physically create speech. So she understands everything fine, but she’s in speech therapy, and she’s getting better so fast, but she doesn’t speak nearly like your typical two-and-a-half year old would. Like all the kids in her daycare are like, “Why doesn’t she talk?” So in that way it’s been a little bit— it’s delayed for us, it’s past— ’cause she’s not talking about stuff. She’s still saying like, “Wa-wa,” “da-da.” So that’s kind of kicked it down the line for us a little extra, but I think it’s just going to be— I think we’re just going to be honest in simple terms. Like, “You were in my belly,” you know? And talk about gender identity in a very simple way. I think gender identity is a simple issue, like, “Lot’s of times boys have penises but sometimes they don’t.” That’s not that hard, so just talking about that. ‘Cause I think that goes along with like, “Why are some bodies different?” And then letting her kind of explore that as she talks through it with friends, and maybe— I don’t know. Maybe there will have to be like, “Some people will think this is really funny or really unusual. It’s really not common, but there’s nothing wrong with it.” I don’t know. She already has a lot of, like— we have a lot of books that are very like, “Some people have two dads,” “Some people have two moms,” “Families are very different.” Just trying to lay this foundation of like, “All families are legitimate and they’re all different and ours is a less common one, but there are lots of less common types and we’re just one of those, and that’s okay.” I don’t know exactly, a lot of it’s gonna be shooting from the hip, as all parenting is, but I am glad to have had someone who said, “You know, the whole ‘Don’t talk about it outside the home’ could mess her up.” I was really glad someone pointed that out.
Vann: So you kind of mentioned a little bit about it, and so I’m going to jump around in my questions ’cause I love when people ask things that I already kind of wanted to hear about. You talked about gender identity a little bit, and I was just wondering, going into the future, how you’re thinking about navigating gender roles and how you want to teach or explain gender to your child. Because, for example, there are many trans parents that have decided to raise their children gender neutral, and they decide to not use gendered pronouns even as a baby. So I was wondering how that sort of navigation went on for you in the beginning of how you wanted to gender your child, and how you wanted to go about dressing them, and things sort of like that. Do you want to speak to that?
Foster: Sure! [To person off screen] Hi baby!
Sorry, my partner just got home. Yeah, we talked about that a lot when we were pregnant. One thing we felt was like— I don’t think there was anything— there was no like, “It’s bad to raise your child gender neutral,” it’s definitely not anti-that at all. I think it’s beautiful and lovely and productive. We decided to give her just a starting point, and that’s partially out of— I don’t know. I’m not even saying this in a “This is how—” I don’t even know if this is the right decision. But given that we don’t live in a post-gender world, we thought maybe it’d be helpful to have a starting point, and if you feel like that’s wrong, then that’s a helpful indicator for you. If ‘she’ doesn’t fit, great! Now we know. Moving on! As far as other gender queues— like clothing and stuff, toys— we would like to say that it’s not gender neutral, it’s gender-yes [sic]. ‘Cause I feel like gender neutral as an aesthetic— not in other ways, but as an aesthetic— kind of evokes earth tones and lots of darker tones, and things that are kind of default to masculine. And I’m like, “I don’t want to do that.” I don’t want there to be a message that feminine stuff is wrong, so we have a lot of boy and girl clothes. And she has outfits that are totally pink and super girly, and she has her boy jeans that fit very boy-like, and her truck t-shirts and her dinosaur pjs and stuff. And it’s very both, as opposed to neither or what neither often is, which I think is a little bit centered towards masculine, as if masculine is the default. I guess that’s all I have on it. [Laughs]
Vann: So in comparison to gender neutral, your experience has been more like a gender-ful [sic]. Like, the presence of— yeah.
Foster: Yeah! Like, “Here’s all of it.” And she hasn’t super sort of started showing preferences about what to wear so much. But we’ll be like, “Do you want to wear this today?” you know? And if— we’re here to be super responsive to whatever she starts feeling attracted to, and also to make sure it’s not that— we don’t want her to feel like now she’s stuck in it. I feel like that’s something all family members do to each other— regardless of the type of relationship of the family members— is “Well you used to be this way, and I know that you’re still this way. You really don’t want to do that.” So if it changes, it changes— and if it doesn’t change, it doesn’t. It’s not like, “This is just a phase,” either, because that’s just dismissive and belittling. Just trying to like— we’re just doing our best to line up our own past experiences and hope that it gives her the foundation that she needs to figure out who she is.
Vann: That makes a lot of sense, I really appreciate your input. I’m very fascinated by how trans families in particular try to navigate gender roles. You know, being trans yourself, I feel like that’s something we’re a lot more conscious of. Especially in the raising of a child, it’s like, “So how are we gonna do this?” [Laughs]
Foster: Totally! And because she’s on my partner’s side— [moving around] sorry, her room is just down the hall, I don’t want to wake her— my partner has one brother, and then they have no other grandkids in the family. So his parents were like, “Oh! A little girl!” So they buy her a lot of pink stuff, which is okay, except that I’m like [sighs]— I’m uncomfortable with the proportion of pink. And we get some stuff that’s not, but I definitely don’t want there to be any “pink is bad” or “femininity is bad.” And there’s also a part of me that— I don’t know how rational this is, everybody seems to think it’s a really silly thought to have at all— but I don’t want her to have any idea that like, maybe it’s— if daddy didn’t want to be a woman, maybe it’s bad to be a woman, or something. I want it to be very like, “It’s all good. And there’s nothing weak or lesser about stuff that’s associated with ‘femininity,'” whatever that even means. You know? If pink is good enough for Elle Woods, it’s good enough for her [laughs].
Vann: I love this. I’m gonna move on to another question, ’cause I could talk about that all day. [Laughs] So you talked a little bit about it, but I wanted to ask more specifically about your experience postpartum. You said that you were able to spend— how much time, did you say six weeks or longer?
Foster: Six weeks was covered with sixty percent pay. Because of COVID, we actually ended up getting two weeks before I went into labor paid, which was not gonna happen— I was gonna have to work up until the second I went into labor. And if it turned out to be false labor, and I had to go back to work, then that would have been my last day because I used them all with morning sickness up until a year before. And then I would’ve been fired [laughs] right before I went into actual labor. So that’s cool, but that didn’t get to happen. Also, I didn’t have any false labor, so it was fine. But, yeah, so I got the six weeks covered and then because COVID hit— what happened? We got some unemployment. I think we got— our company had to seriously reshuffle because so much of it was in person. I’m trying to remember now how it was, because it was such a blur because that was like the least important thing on my mind at the time. But I feel like we got extra money from them in the following months while they figured out what they were doing with everybody, and then they moved everybody to remote— almost everybody to remote— in November. So that was a long time, like all summer they were like, [sound of ‘I don’t know.] ‘Cause remember when they were like, “We’re all gonna close for two weeks and then we’ll come back.” That worked out really well. So I think [laughs] by November, they said, “Okay, you can either take this remote job, or you can take a severance.” And we both take a severance, we were both with the same company at the time. And then my partner— oh no, actually he didn’t take the severance, he took the remote job and it turned out to be horrible and everything they said it was going to be it was not. Including the length of the shift, and the terms of your employ— it was really bad. So he started applying to other jobs as quickly as possible and got a remote job by February I think. And then it was so lucky, it was this— turned out to be this incredible company, it’s like a tech start up in town and they are incredibly flexible and paid really well and it was just like a huge step for— we met working in the worst retail jobs. And it’s just been this huge, like, “Oh my God, I feel so grown up now!” So that was life changing for us, and it let me stay at home with her. She is very lucky because she has had so many specialists and so many doctor appointments that it was like, there is no way we could both work full time jobs. We’d have to hire a nanny to take her to all her appointments, and then we would be breaking even. And then we wouldn’t be at her doctor’s appointments. She had, like, maybe an average of two a week by the time she was a year old. So the first year was probably more, ’cause she had three different therapists that visited weekly, and that was separate than her actual doctor appointments and stuff, so it was just not possible. I became like her care manager, basically. So I think—
Vann: So—
Foster: Oh, go ahead, sorry.
Vann: So in some ways it was sort of like a blessing that the pandemic happened when it did.
Foster: Yeah! We are always like— I hate to say it but, it kind of helped us out a lot in weird ways. And I don’t mean to say that it was a good thing that the pandemic happened— it wasn’t. But in a lot of ways, it really helped us out, yeah.
Vann: Were you able to spend as much time as you would’ve liked to then with her? Especially in the beginning during postpartum, or was it because of so many doctor visits and everything that you didn’t really have the time that you wanted? How did you feel about—
Foster: I feel like I had so much time that the doctor’s appointments— it wasn’t an issue of ‘this is taking away from my time with her.’ I felt like I had so much time with her. It was good. In fact, I ended up going back to work mostly for my own sanity, because after a while it’s like— this is very much a difficult full-time job and a lot of it is very boring and I just need to go talk to adults and get out of the house or I’m going to scream. So I ended up going back to a restaurant on and off for years and waited tables on the weekend and it was like— oh my God I was so happy to be there. I would show up stoked. “I am so happy to spend my weekend here, I’ll close! I’ll volunteer to close!” I was so into it. So that was great, just getting to wait tables and getting to talk to people. Unfortunately they closed down, so yeah. Job hunting has been hard lately, but I just got another serving job after— what month is it?— after like ten months. So yeah, I feel like I got all the time I wanted with her, and I’m ready for adult time. And she starts full-time daycare next week, and I’m ready for it. And also, she needs it at this point. She’s so at a point now where I can’t keep her stimulated all day. I’m not a childcare professional, and I don’t know what I’m doing, and I also don’t want to be a childcare professional. [Laughs] You know, you can go to daycare. These people are incredible!
Vann: And also to socialize and be with other kids and stuff! It’s gonna be great!
Foster: Yeah, she doesn’t have any siblings yet, and we’re one of the first of our friends to have kids so she doesn’t have a lot. Otherwise, yeah, she absolutely needs to socialize. She’s terrified of them. She’s like, “Who are these tiny people? I don’t trust them!” For the first couple weeks, every picture they sent to us, it’s like all the kids in circle time, and then her on the teacher’s lap where she’s holding her. And I’m like, “I’m so sorry!” [Laughs] And she’s just like, “It’s fine, this happens! They’re all COVID babies!” [Laughs] At least she’s not in it alone.
Vann: So you talked about this a little bit before, I did kind of want to revisit— since we’re talking about postpartum and that sort of time period— how did you navigate the decision to chestfeed or not to chestfeed or to bottlefeed or— what sort of experiences or factors led to how you decided to go about feeding your baby?
Foster: Oh yeah! That’s a great question. I actually— it goes way back to the 1970s when my mother got written up in the local paper as “The woman who’s breastfeeding in public.” That was apparently newsworthy. And my mom is my fertility goddess, she had six kids, all without drugs, and her descriptions of it are all very positive and like the labor is positive. She’s like, “It’s easier to have more kids, they distract each other,” and I’m like, “No one else thinks that, mom. Just you.” [Laughs] She just is like a rockstar, super motherly energy. And she breastfed all of us, and so I always felt like— yeah, and there’s so much good in breast milk. It’s so good— it’s good for their oral health, in addition to all the— and that’s not even talked about, ’cause you’re looking at the nutritional stuff, it’s so nutritional. And it— your body responds to your baby’s needs, and adjusts accordingly. It’s incredible. And I was totally planning on it, and I had already had top surgery, but— this is another bad thing that kind of ended up working out for a second— was the surgeon really botched it and did a terrible job and he left a lot of tissue. And I was like, “I bet I can do some chestfeeding.” And then during pregnancy, I did produce a little bit of milk. I was like, “Okay, this is okay. There’s stuff there. It’s happening.” And then the second she was born, I tried a little bit with her in the first few days. And then I was like, “You know what? I’m really done sharing my body and I kind of want it back.” It is so much work. It is so much work. And I’m exhausted, and I don’t want to not have coffee or alcohol anymore. And I don’t want to be on your schedule and I’m done, I’m so done.
So I was kind of relieved when I didn’t couldn’t really produce much, and the only like— I did have one magical experience with it, and I can’t even say for sure that this is what it was, but at first I was using a breast pump for a little bit when I was first in the hospital, tried to help her out, because it works by suction. It creates a suction— and it hurts. And I was also kind of lucky that I had top surgery, because I don’t have that much sensation, and it still hurt me, so I don’t know how cis women do it. But at first it worked, it would take tiny amounts, but it worked. And then it stopped working. The only way I could get any breast milk out was to hand express, what was more of a push than a suction, and we found out that Ellison, my daughter, couldn’t create a suction with her mouth because she had a cleft palate and she couldn’t— and I just kind of felt like, is my body changing the way its expressing milk to adapt to her because she can’t suck? But how would it know that? I don’t know! But that was a really cool— if that’s what happened. I don’t know. It may have also been my body kind of giving up. But if felt like a response somehow.
But then I was like, “I’m sorry, I’m not producing anything anyway, and I’m frankly done with this.” And formula’s come a really long way! And at the beginning, most of her feeding was through an NG tube through her nose, ’cause she couldn’t— when we tried a bunch of bottles— I didn’t not know this, but they have speech therapists in the NICU and it’s for feeding. They work with feeding. So we tried a bunch of different specialty bottles until we found one that worked, and we kept messing with the nipple sizes, all of this stuff that goes into it. She had to get one with the one-way valves so that if she bites down on it, it doesn’t go back in the bottle, it goes out the nipple. [Unintelligible] Sort of. [Laughs] Yeah, so by that time, it was just all such a mess and there was no way she was gonna be able to pull from a human anyway. And I could have pumped and put it in a bottle, but the pumping wasn’t even working. It was just like, “This isn’t working, and I don’t want it to work anymore, and I’m done.” It ended up being so different from what I thought it would be going into it. I thought, “I’m gonna be crushed if I can’t chestfeed.” And at the end I was like, “I’m not interested.” [Laughs]
Vann: So, speaking about how you thought things were going to go versus how they ended up going, I was interested in asking— did your thoughts towards having children and being pregnant change from before you started hormone replacement therapy to afterwards. Did you know that you always wanted children, or did you not want children until you started therapy, or did— how did that process come about?
Foster: I think at some point after puberty— I don’t know when exactly— I felt very connected to my ability to have children biologically. I felt very aware that I was fertile— I don’t know why. I was never pregnant before or anything, it wasn’t like that, but I just knew. Like I could feel it. And before I started hormone replacement therapy, I feel like it was like you could even see it— I had big hips, and I think I always had a really— I was very shapely. I was very like— I looked like someone who would get pregnant [laughs] like I looked like a— you have a fertility vibe here. It was just there, I don’t know. I felt it, anyway. I always felt really strongly that my body was very capable of having babies, and that felt very powerful to me. And I never felt— when I started figuring out my gender identity stuff— I never felt like that was at odds with my gender identity. Because I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with the majority of my body. Yes, I’ve had top surgery, but I don’t think the things my body is capable of are to do with my gender, you know? I never felt like pregnancy was dysphoric. I felt like people reading me as a woman because I was pregnant was dysphoric, but not pregnancy itself. I felt that— I just felt connected to that power, and I wasn’t sure about— I felt like I would probably end up having kids.
But as I got older, I started T and thought, “I don’t know if a baby— I feel like a baby might deserve a better body than this one now.” ‘Cause I’d done stuff to it. Like, I don’t know how healthy that is. But that was largely fed by doctors being like, “[Sound of ‘I don’t know.’]” So it was very, I don’t know— and then when my partner and I got together— he’s always wanted kids. And we knew each other for a long time before we got together, and it was a really slow burn until the final— by the time we made it official, we were like— the day we made it official, we were like, “When do you wanna have kids?” ‘Cause it was like— it was so out of order. It was incredibly out of order. We were talking about what we wanted our wedding to look like before we were officially together— I mean, partly ’cause it was long-distance at that time, but yeah. So when we got together, it was like, “If I’m gonna be with this person, then I know I’m gonna have kids. And I want to have kids with this person.” It felt like that’s how this story goes. So it sealed the deal being with him, and then getting to— I’m so grateful I got to do all that testing when I was living in Mass. Because that helped dispel these myths about T being so toxic for your reproductive organs. And I know down the line it can really hurt some people, and that’s legitimate, too. But it felt kind of like unnecessary fear mongering. [Laughs] But getting to have all this medical proof that I was in great shape to carry a child made me feel really good about it, and also made me feel like this is a perfectly good body for a baby to come out of. I don’t think I’m shortchanging my child by making them come out of me and not someone else. I think I’m actually as capable of this as I always felt I was. And I was!
Vann: I’m getting a little emotional, this is very— I love to hear this. I’ve already told you I’m a trans man. I’ve always known I’ve wanted kids, and I’ve always had that background— especially since transitioning— of like, “Oh, is this gonna be good?” Not just for me, but for my baby. And just to hear about your experience, it’s very affirming.
Foster: I’m so glad.
Vann: Thank you.
Foster: I mean, that’s why I’m— some of the permission questions you asked, I’m like, “That’s scary! But I want to do it.” Because we had— my partner and I— had talked about this before we had kids and when we were pregnant and said that we wanted to tell our story as much as possible for trans people. Because— I was in this trans support group in college, and everybody there was or had recently been suicidal. There’s this feeling that there’s no future for you. That you’ll never have a normal life. That you’ll never be happy. That you’ll never have the things that really make people fulfilled. And so much of that comes from these ideas about being able to have children, and being able to have a family. Being able to find a loving partner who cares about you and having stability. In a lot of ways, we’re a pretty vanilla family, and I think that trans kids seeing that can be really healing. So we’ve talked about it and agree that sometimes it will be a little out of our comfort zone, but we want to share it. I think it’s important for trans people. [Laughs] I guess it’s just so that people see it’s okay, but it’s not for them. It’s for you. [Laughs]
Vann: And like I said, if at any point you feel uncomfortable with anything— and I’m going to share this with you before I post it and make sure you’re comfortable with everything— and please let me know—
Foster: I appreciate that, but it’s not like a reservation thing— it’s just sometimes I’m like “Oof! Okay!” But that’s what I want to do. That’s what I want— I want to be a part of that.
Vann: I appreciate you so much. I really, really do. And I’m just going to go ahead and end this on a nice happy question, because I know it’s been a little hard talking about some of these things, and then we can maybe go ahead and chat a little longer after this interview—
Foster: I would like that—
Vann: —But what is the best thing about being a parent for you?
Foster: The best thing about being a parent feels like it has nothing to do with me. It’s not to do with what happened to me when I became a parent or anything. The best thing about being a parent is your kid. I mean, there’s so many clichés about how much you love your kid and how different it is from anything else, and it’s all true. And it’s that— like, the second you asked me that question, I just immediately pictured her face. It’s that thing where you spend all day being like, “When is nap time? When is bed time? Please.” And then they go to bed, and you’re sitting on the couch scrolling through photos and videos of them. It’s like Stockholm Syndrome. You just become [laughs] so obsessed— like, they’re just so perfect. And their personality— it’s so them. They come out their own person. She’s not me. She’s not my partner. She’s definitely come out herself. And it wasn’t— we kind of thought we’d have a little firecracker sassy baby. She was fed a strong diet of Rupaul’s Drag Race in utero, and I just thought she would [laughs], I just thought she would be way more like— have an attitude. She is like the softest, gentlest child. I was always told that I was an easy baby, and when my parents finally met her, I was like, “Was I like this? Is this where it’s came from?” And they were like, “Honey, no one is like this. This child is an angel,” and she’s— for my parents, they’ve been around the block with the six kids and the ninth grandkid I think— and they’re like, “This is not— no baby is like this. This is outrageous.” She just— but like, whatever your kid comes out— you’re just so excited about those things. The things that are innately them. That’s the best part— is the kid. The kid is the best part, I guess. That’s a very un-nuanced answer, really, but it— that’s how I feel.
Vann: I’m so excited for my future child to be able to see this, and—
Foster: Aw!
Vann: I don’t know, I really do— I would hope to be able to check in with you and be like, “Here’s my own baby! And I feel the exact same way you did!”
Foster: I would like that so much! Yes! Definitely!
Vann: Thank you so much for sharing your life, your expertise, your wisdom and everything. I want to give you a little time just right now, if you had any final thoughts or wisdom that you would like to share with all the people out there in the world that may see this.
Foster: Aw, that’s do direct and terrifying! [Laughs] It’s so much easier to just have these bite-sized questions, you know? I don’t know. Like I said, the biggest thing I want to share is just that there are more possibilities than you realize. I think the fact that we don’t have a lot of elders to look up to, and the ones that are there are silenced so much of the time, it makes us feel like there’s not much for us. And I obviously— I feel like it’s obvious because I feel like all trans people have done that— obviously have been in really terrible mental spaces where I felt like there was nothing for me. Before I figured out that I was trans, I would have these meltdowns and feel like I’m a monster, and I’m never going to be happy and I’m not meant to be here. But I didn’t know what that meant or where that was coming from, I just— you know, that feeling is in there, and that feeling that happiness is impossible and— just finding one person where it works. I don’t know, I just felt like everything finally fell into place and I didn’t think it would. I really didn’t think it would. I really thought I was just doomed to unhappiness forever. In fact, I thought that I was physically incapable of feeling fully happy again. I’m getting a little better, maybe, but I’m never going to have the capacity for happiness that I used to have when I was younger-younger. And now I’m back. It came back, and I really didn’t think it was possible— like, physically. [Laughs] Yeah, it just— I wish I had known. I wish I had known that there was so much available to me. Because it didn’t feel like it. And no one told me so. Like, no one that I believed anyway. Like, “Easy for you cis white therapist,” or whatever. Like, “I don’t care what you think or what your experience is, you don’t know!” [Laughs] And someone even just telling me that, it still doesn’t feel— I think we need to be seeing it. We need to be seeing it, and seeing that it’s normal.
[End Interview]